For the full size (680K) verson click here .
I didn't want to put the big one here, so only click it if you really want to see it. If too many people look at it, it'll eat up my bandwidth.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Time for a picture
Here's a picture of me (red & black jacket) standing by Leslie's crazy fast moped. I like this picture of me. It makes me look cool. I just wonder what the hell I'm looking at? By the way for anyone who doesn't know this was taken back in October in Detroit during the Red October moped gathering.
For the full size (680K) verson click here .
I didn't want to put the big one here, so only click it if you really want to see it. If too many people look at it, it'll eat up my bandwidth.
For the full size (680K) verson click here .
I didn't want to put the big one here, so only click it if you really want to see it. If too many people look at it, it'll eat up my bandwidth.
Sick?....Never
So I'm finally starting to feel better. I'm running at about 80% right now, and that's not bad. Although it is only 5:15am and I've been at work for an hour now. This should be illegal. I don't mind working at this early hour, but the fact I have to be here until 6pm is what sucks. I don't even get a lunch break of any kind. But I have a couple energy drinks and enough change to keep me happy and the vending machine spitting out Diet Coke.
It's been an interesting last week or so. A lot things are changing, not really for me, but everyone around me. It seems right now that everybody is having something different going on with their lives. I like change (for the better) and I'm having things are starting to look up for people. But it doesn't look like anything is looking good for me. In exactly one month I'll be unemployed, and I have no hope of getting a job that will suit me. I probably should not have quit the one I have now. I don't really do anything here, but I do have to be here at all sorts of crazy hours. That's what sucks. I need to find something soon. I'll have rent I have to pay in a little while, and if I don't have a job, well then I can't pay rent. I shouldn't have decided to move, although that a whole other strange bag of worms coming up.
So about moving. I already feel like a third or a fifth wheel (depending on who I'm around). I know that when I move I'll have that feeling all of the time. Things haven't happened yet but it's really only a matter of time. I don't think it will be as bad I'm making it out to be but there are sure to be some awkward moments. I hope I don't get that feeling that I had when I had my old apartment, that I wasn't welcome in my own place. But I'll just deal with those problems if they come up.
Other than these things life is going OK. Not great right now, but not too bad. I may post more later when I get done with the news.
It's been an interesting last week or so. A lot things are changing, not really for me, but everyone around me. It seems right now that everybody is having something different going on with their lives. I like change (for the better) and I'm having things are starting to look up for people. But it doesn't look like anything is looking good for me. In exactly one month I'll be unemployed, and I have no hope of getting a job that will suit me. I probably should not have quit the one I have now. I don't really do anything here, but I do have to be here at all sorts of crazy hours. That's what sucks. I need to find something soon. I'll have rent I have to pay in a little while, and if I don't have a job, well then I can't pay rent. I shouldn't have decided to move, although that a whole other strange bag of worms coming up.
So about moving. I already feel like a third or a fifth wheel (depending on who I'm around). I know that when I move I'll have that feeling all of the time. Things haven't happened yet but it's really only a matter of time. I don't think it will be as bad I'm making it out to be but there are sure to be some awkward moments. I hope I don't get that feeling that I had when I had my old apartment, that I wasn't welcome in my own place. But I'll just deal with those problems if they come up.
Other than these things life is going OK. Not great right now, but not too bad. I may post more later when I get done with the news.
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Yup.
I just figured out that it is no fun being sick. I feel like utter hell. Hooray for me.
So if anyone out there wants to send me some medicine and orange juice, I would be much obliged. Oh and some of those tissues that don't make your nose all raw.
OK I'm done.
So if anyone out there wants to send me some medicine and orange juice, I would be much obliged. Oh and some of those tissues that don't make your nose all raw.
OK I'm done.
Monday, November 22, 2004
Sunshiny Day
I really hate the Brady Bunch. But that's not the point.
So anyway I've been feeling like I've starting to revert to my old self. It seems like a lot of things that are happening to me right now are the same things that have happened to me in the past. I won't go into specifics, but I feel like I'm starting to repeat the things that happened when I was 19, 20, 21. The only exception is that I have a few more white hairs now. I don't like it. I want something new. I want to experience new things. Not be stuck in the rut I was in back then. What's the point of living if all you're doing are the same things? I'm not going to kill myself or anything, but I can't really enjoy life if I already know what is going to happen. I can't really type right now, since I'm so tired, so I'll elaborate more in a little while. I hate when I'm so dead tired. Between yesterday and today I'll have worked 30 hours. That should be illegal. I'm getting headaches and my body is getting all twitchy.
So anyway I've been feeling like I've starting to revert to my old self. It seems like a lot of things that are happening to me right now are the same things that have happened to me in the past. I won't go into specifics, but I feel like I'm starting to repeat the things that happened when I was 19, 20, 21. The only exception is that I have a few more white hairs now. I don't like it. I want something new. I want to experience new things. Not be stuck in the rut I was in back then. What's the point of living if all you're doing are the same things? I'm not going to kill myself or anything, but I can't really enjoy life if I already know what is going to happen. I can't really type right now, since I'm so tired, so I'll elaborate more in a little while. I hate when I'm so dead tired. Between yesterday and today I'll have worked 30 hours. That should be illegal. I'm getting headaches and my body is getting all twitchy.
Friday, November 19, 2004
I'm having a good day
I'm having a good day today. I actually got up early, had breakfast with my friends, and made it to work 25 minutes late. That's early for me. Usually I'm at least two hours late. I've gotten a lot done here today, and am feeling good about it. It suck though that I have to work until 11:30pm though. Yikes. 13 hour day. Oh well. It could be a 19 hour day like Monday. I have good feeling for the weekend, even though it's going to be work hell. But, that's what I signed up for. I sure could use a drink though. It's been kinda rough this week not drinking everyday, but I can feel my body actually getting healthier. It's strange. No more pointless rambling.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
I am so out of it.
So last night I went to a friends house and watched a movie, had a little wine, and real good time. As I was leaving I wasn't quite tired, so I decided to go to the bar. I got wicked smashed. I don't think I've ever thrown up so much. My car is covered with puke, the bar is covered with puke, and some guy named Tony is covered with puke. That made him mad. So in addition to a nasty hangover I have a black eye, and a my front teeth knocked out. I may have a cracked rib also from when he kicked when I was laying on the ground, but I don't know for sure. This is the worst I have ever felt. As soon as I get out of work today I'm getting wasted. Again. I'm going to find that Tony jerk and beat the hell out of him.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
mmmm
I am so tired today. I'm starting to get loopy. I love the fact that I can sleep at work. I'm going to do that. I need to set an alarm first.
bryan is tired and wants to go home
Will some one out there please call me in sick?? Just call my work and tell them I'm sick and should be sent home. I'd love you forever. Please!!!Please!!!Please!!!Please!!!Please!!!Please!!!Please!!!Please!!!Please!!!Please!!!Please!!!Please!!!Please!!!
Friday, November 12, 2004
Time for a long one.......
I don't expect you read all the crap I'm about to write down. It's going to be long.
I'm looking forward to this weekend. I need a break from Elkhart. It's been a month or so since I've been able to get away and Chicago sounds like fun. It'll be nice to see Musi again. I haven't seen him in a few years. He's one of those people that you're not exactly as close as you were with, but still know that he'll be there for anything you need. That and he's one of the coolest cats I have ever met. Now that I think about it, it's been probably four years since I have seen him. We had a lot of good times back in the day. We were one of the few people that really had the establishment against us. Especially when we challenged the mayor to a boxing match. The eyes were on us for a while.
I do realize now that I have a good core group of friends right now. If you would have asked me a year and a half ago what I'd be doing, I would never have guessed where I'm at right now. In a way it is kind of sad, as I haven't achieved anything that I wanted to do, but on the other hand, where I'm at in life right now is pretty damn good (as far a social things go). Personally and professionally leave some things to be desired but that comes up in the few paragraphs. I'm starting to feel pretty confident with the people I'm around and lately haven't been too shy about sharing things. We were talking about some of the embarassing things we have done the other day and I wasn't too ashamed to bring up some of the stupid ass things I did down in Indy. If I could take back some of the things from down there I would, but hey if you don't have any regrets, have you really lived? I can say I've done a lot of crazy shit, but the only person I ever hurt by it was me. So it's not like I'm an evil person, but I'm not that good.
My job is hell. OK so some of you know I walked out a while back. I thought that maybe things would be more tolerable for the short amount of time that I would stay here, but that hasn't been the case. So a while back I brought up some things that made total sense to change but I was told flat out no. OK. No big deal. Maybe management knew more than I did. OK. So the other day a memo goes out and now they are doing all the changes I proposed a few months back. What the hell is up with that?? These are changes that directly affect me and my department and I was not even asked to help contribute even though they were my ideas. I chalked it up to me already giving my notice and them not wanting to involve a "short-timer". So it comes out then after my repeated bitching and moaning that these changes have pretty much been in the planning for a couple months. Before I gave my notice. My job was basically going to be eliminated, and that was planned before I gave my notice. Why the hell wasn't I involved in this?? And they wondered why I hate this place. It's bullshit like this (all the sneaky shit they pull) that gets to me. I told them this place is fatally flawed. And they wondered what that meant. This whole situation is a fatal flaw. Jerks.
My little bouts with depression have been getting better. I haven't had one since the last little one I wrote about. I guess that was last week. OK, well it's been a week since I've had one. That's pretty good for me. I don't feel like another is on it's way. I can usually sense when one is going to happen a day or so before it does. I think having something to look forward to helps. This weekend will be nice.
As far as getting a place to live goes, I don't know. I don't think I'd be a good roomate or housemate or whatever. I'm horrible with managing my money. Even if a place opens up at the end of the month I don't think I'll be able to affordto move. This sucks hardcore. I have to out of where I'm at and I can't afford to move out. Looks like I'll be sleeping in my car for little while. And to top it all off, I won't have a job when I have to move. Not a good point to be at right now. If can make all the money I hope to on my junk I'm selling on ebay I'll be fine. I'm just in a hole and once I get out I'll be ok. It just sucks when there's all these things I need to do, and money is keeping me from doing it. So I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate to disappoint my friends but it's better to disappoint now then to fail in the future. I guess I'll sit down tonight and figure some things out. I actually probably shouldn't go out of town this weekend, but I really need the break. If all else fails I can just sell my mopeds and get some cash that way. Even though that would totally suck.
Someone asked me the other day why I'm into the whole moped thing. Being in the Moped Army has allowed me to do some really cool shit. Why else would I drive across the country and see and experience things that I normally would not have done? Doing the moped thing has allowed me to travel all over the country and meet some really cool people. I also gone out and raced, which is something that I never dreamed I'd ever do. It's helped me and my dad talk, since I was always kind of a disappointment since I never got into cars and other gearhead junk. Actually having a knowledge of engines has at least given him and I something to talk about. It's been pretty cool.
Well that's all I can think of for now. I'll fill you in on the weekend on Tuesday.
I'm looking forward to this weekend. I need a break from Elkhart. It's been a month or so since I've been able to get away and Chicago sounds like fun. It'll be nice to see Musi again. I haven't seen him in a few years. He's one of those people that you're not exactly as close as you were with, but still know that he'll be there for anything you need. That and he's one of the coolest cats I have ever met. Now that I think about it, it's been probably four years since I have seen him. We had a lot of good times back in the day. We were one of the few people that really had the establishment against us. Especially when we challenged the mayor to a boxing match. The eyes were on us for a while.
I do realize now that I have a good core group of friends right now. If you would have asked me a year and a half ago what I'd be doing, I would never have guessed where I'm at right now. In a way it is kind of sad, as I haven't achieved anything that I wanted to do, but on the other hand, where I'm at in life right now is pretty damn good (as far a social things go). Personally and professionally leave some things to be desired but that comes up in the few paragraphs. I'm starting to feel pretty confident with the people I'm around and lately haven't been too shy about sharing things. We were talking about some of the embarassing things we have done the other day and I wasn't too ashamed to bring up some of the stupid ass things I did down in Indy. If I could take back some of the things from down there I would, but hey if you don't have any regrets, have you really lived? I can say I've done a lot of crazy shit, but the only person I ever hurt by it was me. So it's not like I'm an evil person, but I'm not that good.
My job is hell. OK so some of you know I walked out a while back. I thought that maybe things would be more tolerable for the short amount of time that I would stay here, but that hasn't been the case. So a while back I brought up some things that made total sense to change but I was told flat out no. OK. No big deal. Maybe management knew more than I did. OK. So the other day a memo goes out and now they are doing all the changes I proposed a few months back. What the hell is up with that?? These are changes that directly affect me and my department and I was not even asked to help contribute even though they were my ideas. I chalked it up to me already giving my notice and them not wanting to involve a "short-timer". So it comes out then after my repeated bitching and moaning that these changes have pretty much been in the planning for a couple months. Before I gave my notice. My job was basically going to be eliminated, and that was planned before I gave my notice. Why the hell wasn't I involved in this?? And they wondered why I hate this place. It's bullshit like this (all the sneaky shit they pull) that gets to me. I told them this place is fatally flawed. And they wondered what that meant. This whole situation is a fatal flaw. Jerks.
My little bouts with depression have been getting better. I haven't had one since the last little one I wrote about. I guess that was last week. OK, well it's been a week since I've had one. That's pretty good for me. I don't feel like another is on it's way. I can usually sense when one is going to happen a day or so before it does. I think having something to look forward to helps. This weekend will be nice.
As far as getting a place to live goes, I don't know. I don't think I'd be a good roomate or housemate or whatever. I'm horrible with managing my money. Even if a place opens up at the end of the month I don't think I'll be able to affordto move. This sucks hardcore. I have to out of where I'm at and I can't afford to move out. Looks like I'll be sleeping in my car for little while. And to top it all off, I won't have a job when I have to move. Not a good point to be at right now. If can make all the money I hope to on my junk I'm selling on ebay I'll be fine. I'm just in a hole and once I get out I'll be ok. It just sucks when there's all these things I need to do, and money is keeping me from doing it. So I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate to disappoint my friends but it's better to disappoint now then to fail in the future. I guess I'll sit down tonight and figure some things out. I actually probably shouldn't go out of town this weekend, but I really need the break. If all else fails I can just sell my mopeds and get some cash that way. Even though that would totally suck.
Someone asked me the other day why I'm into the whole moped thing. Being in the Moped Army has allowed me to do some really cool shit. Why else would I drive across the country and see and experience things that I normally would not have done? Doing the moped thing has allowed me to travel all over the country and meet some really cool people. I also gone out and raced, which is something that I never dreamed I'd ever do. It's helped me and my dad talk, since I was always kind of a disappointment since I never got into cars and other gearhead junk. Actually having a knowledge of engines has at least given him and I something to talk about. It's been pretty cool.
Well that's all I can think of for now. I'll fill you in on the weekend on Tuesday.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
better now
I'm not as mad as I was yesterday. Although I am getting sick. And I'm very hungry. And sleepy. I need to leave work and go home and eat. I'll write some more when I get home in a hour and go in details why I was so pissed yesterday. I'm pretty busy now.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
What a day.....
What a day, indeed. I keep thinking I'm sad but I realized that I'm just bored. When I'm bored I tend to over think things, and that's what makes me sad. So, if I stay busy and not think, then I can be happy. Ignorance is bliss. If you're not aware you have a problem, doesn't that mean you don't have one?? Make sense to anyone else?
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Yeah ok
So I'm in one of post fun time depressing mood. I feel sometimes like I'm unwanted in most situations. I invite myself to a lot of things, and then I feel like people really don't want my dorky ass there annoying them. I felt that way last night, and pretty much most of the time when I am with a group of people. I know, I know whoever reads this is thinking you're just being paranoid, but that's how I feel. When I am hanging out then I just drink to supress the feeling of unwelcomeness. The other day a friend made a joke about me hanging out. I played it off as ha ha, but I feel as though he really meant it. I really wasn't going to go over to a persons house after that comment, but told everyone that I was just messing around with him, but I was really hurt. I guess I'm going to just sit at home (as unbearable as it is) since I really don't feel welcome anywhere. Hell I don't even feel welcome at home. I feel like I'm just a burden on my Mom. I know she doesn't want me there, and I don't feel like I belong anywhere else. I'm just lost. I suppose one of these days I'll have a sense of belonging, but I don't know when that will be. Probably when I get out on my own and have a place for me. Man, I'm so weird.
Whatever?
Question time.
Will I ever feel like I'm not a third or fifth or seventh wheel when I'm hanging out with my friends?
Am I already the person I'm going to be for the rest of my life?
Will someone ever really ever know the real me?
Will I ever be able to show my feelings towards a person?
Why is it impossible for me to be really happy?
Why can't I find something positive about me?
Is life planned out for you when you're born? (thanks Fate.....no really, thanks jerk)
End
Will I ever feel like I'm not a third or fifth or seventh wheel when I'm hanging out with my friends?
Am I already the person I'm going to be for the rest of my life?
Will someone ever really ever know the real me?
Will I ever be able to show my feelings towards a person?
Why is it impossible for me to be really happy?
Why can't I find something positive about me?
Is life planned out for you when you're born? (thanks Fate.....no really, thanks jerk)
End
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Old Friends
Last night I met up with some of my old friends at a little election party. I really miss seeing them. We always have so much fun and we have a good long history. I wish I could have stuck around last night for a good old fashioned Trivial Pursuit game. Although I'm suprised they asked me to play, because I always whoop everybody's ass when I play it. Everybody has one thing they're really good at, and mine is Trivial Pursuit. I don't know why I'm good at it. It's not like I'm a very smart person, but I always remember the things I read, hear, or see. Oh well. Next time it's on. Maybe I'll try tonight at the warehouse to try and get a game going. Show off my skills. There's nothing more fun than whooping your friends ass at something. We also started planning our annual shopping trip to Chicago. Every year the girls go shopping in Chicago for clothes and other girlie things. For some reason they always drag me along. I guess I'm just one of the girls now. I just think they like to use me for my car. I'm always the one driving. It's fun though. I rarely buy clothes except for our trips there and it's nice having fashionable girls there to keep me from making clothing mistakes. I suffer from a disease called clothing retardation. I can't buy things on my own. If I'm out shopping by my self (which rarely happens) I find the best dressed girl working in the store and have them pick me out things. So that's why I don't shop at Old Navy. They all have uniforms and it's hard to tell who is style-ly (word of the day if it is a word).
As of right now, the election looks grim for all the non-Bushy's. It's 252 to 254 in favor of Bush, and the remaining states are leaning towards Bush. I've voted in a few elections, and I have yet to see a president in office I voted for. The races for Congress are looking equally as bad. From what I can tell, the Republicans will have control still of everything. Vancouver is looking better and better.
The house hunt is going well, but long. We looked at two potentials last night. Both were really cool places that would rock to live in. However one is kinda far, and the other may not be open for a little while. So do we move kinda far now, or wait for the other place. So many things to think about.
I really hate my job. I fucked up damn near everything during the morning show today. I missed tapes, rolled the wrong ones, stopped ones way too soon. People at home love fuck ups during newscasts. I don't. It makes me look bad. I'm really good at my job, but today I suck. So I'm taking a in office vacation. I'm just not going to do anything today that is job related at all. I'll do all my things tomorrow.
This is turning in to a rather long entry. It's funny that whenever you think you have a lot to say, you end up with a short entry. When you really don't have much to say, you write a book.
My and CJ decided the other day that over the winter instead of sitting around the warehouse all winter we are going to take some classes. Nothing important (although I need to finish my degree sometime soon) but something kinda fun and not a lot of work. I'm thinking I want to take a cooking class, and CJ is leaning towards a welding class. I want to take something together since it'd be more fun, but I don't think he has any interest in cooking, and I want to do something that cannot be at all related to mopeds. I still love mopeds like crazy, but they consume a lot of my life, and that way come spring I'm all pumped again. I'll still be down at the warehouse 3-4 times a week working on them, but at least one night a week I'd like to have something else to do. That and I need to find a job soon. I probably should have quit mine, it's going to be hard to find a job that pays what I've been making here. I wonder if I could take back my resignation. I'll think about it. Even though this job is miserable, it pays hella well.
This is the last paragraph I swear. Someone brought up the other the my lack of a love life. I agree is sucks. But what am I going to do?? I'm not the type of person that can just go up to girls and ask them for a number, or out, or something. That scares the living hell out of me. I just prefer to meet people and then get to know them a little. The problem is now, I'm kinda stuck in the same old rut with my life, and I'm not meeting new people. I'm not really the type of person that goes out looking for love, but if I happen to bump into it that's cool. It'll happen sometime, but I just hope it's before I'm 30. So I have a few years. I need to find a new crush though. Those are fun.
I'm done (only because my hand is cramping up).
As of right now, the election looks grim for all the non-Bushy's. It's 252 to 254 in favor of Bush, and the remaining states are leaning towards Bush. I've voted in a few elections, and I have yet to see a president in office I voted for. The races for Congress are looking equally as bad. From what I can tell, the Republicans will have control still of everything. Vancouver is looking better and better.
The house hunt is going well, but long. We looked at two potentials last night. Both were really cool places that would rock to live in. However one is kinda far, and the other may not be open for a little while. So do we move kinda far now, or wait for the other place. So many things to think about.
I really hate my job. I fucked up damn near everything during the morning show today. I missed tapes, rolled the wrong ones, stopped ones way too soon. People at home love fuck ups during newscasts. I don't. It makes me look bad. I'm really good at my job, but today I suck. So I'm taking a in office vacation. I'm just not going to do anything today that is job related at all. I'll do all my things tomorrow.
This is turning in to a rather long entry. It's funny that whenever you think you have a lot to say, you end up with a short entry. When you really don't have much to say, you write a book.
My and CJ decided the other day that over the winter instead of sitting around the warehouse all winter we are going to take some classes. Nothing important (although I need to finish my degree sometime soon) but something kinda fun and not a lot of work. I'm thinking I want to take a cooking class, and CJ is leaning towards a welding class. I want to take something together since it'd be more fun, but I don't think he has any interest in cooking, and I want to do something that cannot be at all related to mopeds. I still love mopeds like crazy, but they consume a lot of my life, and that way come spring I'm all pumped again. I'll still be down at the warehouse 3-4 times a week working on them, but at least one night a week I'd like to have something else to do. That and I need to find a job soon. I probably should have quit mine, it's going to be hard to find a job that pays what I've been making here. I wonder if I could take back my resignation. I'll think about it. Even though this job is miserable, it pays hella well.
This is the last paragraph I swear. Someone brought up the other the my lack of a love life. I agree is sucks. But what am I going to do?? I'm not the type of person that can just go up to girls and ask them for a number, or out, or something. That scares the living hell out of me. I just prefer to meet people and then get to know them a little. The problem is now, I'm kinda stuck in the same old rut with my life, and I'm not meeting new people. I'm not really the type of person that goes out looking for love, but if I happen to bump into it that's cool. It'll happen sometime, but I just hope it's before I'm 30. So I have a few years. I need to find a new crush though. Those are fun.
I'm done (only because my hand is cramping up).
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Don't forget
I don't think anyone reads this but if you are, don't forget to vote. I don't care who you vote for, but just please vote.
Democracy is not a spectator sport.
Voting separates us from amoebas.
I can't think of anymore political bumber stickers.
Democracy is not a spectator sport.
Voting separates us from amoebas.
I can't think of anymore political bumber stickers.
Monday, November 01, 2004
I think I may be.....
This may be from the lack of sleep and food (I haven't had a meal since Thursday) but I think I'm actually going crazy. Ever have that feeling like your brain is physically tied in knots?? That's me all the time. Maybe I should go back to the therapist and actually do those primal therapy things she wanted and I balked at. It just seemed weird to me. Or maybe I could go back on my pills. Nahh those sucked. I don't know. The only thing I know is that I need sleep.
I don't think I've ever been this tired
I have barely slept in the last few days. I keep nodding off right now. This is NOT fun. Caffeine seems not to work anymore. There's a point where you've just had too much. I'd kill for a candy bar. Except the candy bar would kill me. I love having crappy health problems.
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