The Lyudmila Project

About a week or so ago I received and e-mail from a Russian Girl named Lyudmila. Here's the e-mail:

from LYUDMILA
to bozoskeleton@gmail.com
date Thu, Apr 2, 2009 at 9:33 PM
subject I wait from you for the letter.

Hello! Whether I do not know you received my message therefore to you
has decided to write once again.
My name is - Lyudmila. I want to get acquainted with you closer. If you
not against to get acquainted that write to me. I shall wait for your
letter. I can send a lot of photo also. I to you can tell also that I am
single I have no any children. To me of 29 years. I go in for sports. I
shall wait from you for the letter. For early you I thank. Lyudmila.

Not being one that is easily fooled I replied back like any good old red-blooded American can with:

from Bryan
to LYUDMILA
date Fri, Apr 3, 2009 at 12:02 AM
subject Re: I wait from you for the letter.

Lyudmila-

Yes I would like to know more about you. You have no kids? That is great. I am tall and single with an overly aggressive sexual drive. I am a full blown alcoholic and like to get drunk and pick fights with strangers. Only strangers, as I would never fight with a pretty girl like yourself. Please tell me how I can know more about you. Where do you live? I live in a house. Do you like animals? I have some.

Yours truly-

Bryan


Imagine my surprise when I get a message back from her a couple days later and the grammar has drastically improved:

from LYUDMILA
to Bryan
date Mon, Apr 6, 2009 at 8:47 PM
subject Hi !!!!

Hi Bryan!
How are you? Probably, if you have guessed, this is Lyuda :) I'm very
glad to get your answer ! my full name Lyudmila
First of all, please let me apologize for the delay in my response to
you, , but I was busy in last time. I'm happy so much that you
have written me, believe me !
Also, I'm hoping that my e-mail was so big surprise for you too,
really? For First, If you want that i can tell you about me more.
I was born in Russia, Moscow and now I live at my own flat.
I'm planning to visit the USA in few weeks. I'm 29.
Now I'm keen on web design. I started with making sites for acquaintances and friends,
but now I'm making sites for clients in different countries.As for my interests,
I like Alpine skiing and driving! I adore high speed!!!! I have good salary.
It's approximately $600 per month. All money earned I spend for myself.
I don't like to limit my desires=), that's why I spend my money for new clothes and jewelry=))).
I won't tell you much about myself, coz I'm planning to visit the USA in next 3 month.
Now I have my visa and reserved tickets to the USA.
Maybe, you will ask: "Why have you written me? Why are you talking about it???"=)))
I will answer this question. So there are two reasons I wrote you. I have seen many profiles.
I suppose there were 100 profiles!!! I have chosen you, you seemed to
be very interesting man for me. And I would like to spend my holiday in
the USA with you. I'm afraid, nothing will come true,
coz we have never seen each other. And maybe I was mistaken, when I had
chosen you. But anyway... So I will arrive in the USA in 15 days, and
after that I will return to Moscow. But for first we should learn each
other better. You agree with me? Also I want to say to you that I have
learned the English Language when I have studied in the university, I can speak English
without any problems, I think so... But I can see that I'm making many
orthographic mistakes, I think so, I hope that you'll can to
understand my English without any problems?
Wowww, I have written so much! I didn't think that I can to write
about myself so much, really. Probably, I'm finishing my e-mail to
you. , I'll be grateful so much, if you'll write me about
yourself so much, as I did it. I would like, if you'll tell me, for
example, about your family, is your family large? About your city
where are you living, I have never been in other countries and in USA
too, and I'll be glad to know about your country. Ok, let me to finish
my e-mail, I hope to see your answer soon! I'm attaching my photo, I
hope you will find my photo good. Ok, good bye, , hoping to
see your message soon!
Take care,
Sincerely,
Your new russian friend,
Lyudmila.


So me being the ass I am send back more:

from Bryan
to LYUDMILA
date Tue, Apr 7, 2009 at 3:46 AM
subject Re: Hi !!!!

Lyuda-

Oh, how lovely to hear from you again. I was very excited to see your e-mail. I guess you'd like to know more about me. Let's see. I was born in a logging camp in the hills of Montana. When I was three years old, my parents traded me for a cold frosty case of Coors and was then sent to Indiana to be raised by a pack of feral baboons that escaped from the zoo. My new mom's name is "Grrrrrggghhhh" and my father is "Fap, fap, fap." Thanks to my dad, I'm really good at catching things, as he threw what he called presents at my head, but I called it baboon shit.

After I graduated school I went to work on my Uncle Ron's swine farm. I'll never forget what he said to me one day, "Bryan, libera mi lengua, tu puta psicotica y bestial." My uncle was a Spanish man, and a bit weird. Not sure what he meant by that, but it stuck with me. I've even had that put on shirts. The Puerto Ricans I work with look at me funny, but that's OK, as I'm a closet racist and don't care what they think.

Then last year I moved to Washington D.C. My new job allowed me in my free time to keep up on my hobby of sticking my dong in things that it doesn't really belong in. Gloryhole has become my new middle name.

I guess that sums it up about me. I mean, I have no kids, even though the court says I do, but I say those chicks are slutty and I didn't make their babies. It was some other dude. DNA don't mean shit in the hood.

Can't wait to hear back from you,

Bryan

Check. The next move is yours scammers.

FIN

On to part two