It's almost that time.

I have decided that I want to take over the world. Not little by little, but all at once. As of midnight tonight, I declare myself King of the Universe. That means in exactly two and half hours things will change to way I want them. I'm talking pizza trees on every corner, free booze, and, ah, what the hell, new shoes for everyone.

I think that once I bribe everyone with shoes, they will be lining up to praise me. Yeah, I think I'm on to something here. I'll have a gigantic house that's 400 feet in the sky, suspended by flying wombats or something. Wait, do wombats fly? I know bats do, but what the hell exactly is a friggin' wombat? Is it half woman, half bat? Man, that'd be scary as all hell. A five foot nine bat screaming, "Get off your lazy ass, and do some work around the house!!", or (in a piercing half woman, half bat screech) "Do I look fat in these wings?" Wow. I'm starting to scare myself.

Speaking of scary things, the scariest thing in the world happened to me the other night. I opened a Diet Coke and the son of a bitch exploded in my face. That scared the crap out of me. Seriously. I had to change my pants. I can't even look at soda the same way anymore. I know it's out to get me. It's had it out for me ever since I ran over a bottle in my car last month. I didn't mean to kill it, but it just happened. So I formally apologize to the soda leaders of the world. Please let me live out the rest of my life without the fear of dying at the no-hands of a soda can.

If sodas did have hands, do you think they could operate marionettes? Man that'd be sweet. I love puppets. There's just something about them. I have refrain from humping the TV when the Muppets come on. My hero growing up was the obviously gay Ernie from Sesame Street. I thought Bert was a dick, but Ernie did it for me. Something about Bert's eyebrow (yes singular) bugged me. I used to dream of the time when I could grow up and meet Ernie and go frolicking through the flowered meadows hand in hand with my idol. Man the good times. What the hell happened?

I'm done being goofy. Maybe more tomorrow.

FIN