I'm trying to live my life free of all the bullshit now. The last few months have been filled with crappy drama. It was fun for a little while, but now I'm done with it. I just want a simple easy going life that I've had for the last few years (well except for a couple bumps). I want to live without having to worry that I'm disappointing people or letting them down. It's starting to bug me that people want me to hang out with them every single night. I haven't had a night to myself in quite some time. I can't say no to people, because I don't want to hurt their feelings. I feel I'm living everybody else's life and not mine. That has got to end.
It's just pissing me off that if I'm not where I'm supposed to be a certain night, I get all sorts of phone calls. I know it sounds stupid, (who complains about being popular) but it is a pain in the ass. I just want to do what I want, and not what everyone else wants me to do. I really hate to bring out asshole me, but I think it may happen. I'm perfectly content to be by myself right now. So if you're counting on hanging out with me this week, don't plan on it. If I happen to appear where you are, count it as coincidence.
On to more positive things now. I figured out some of the crazy that has been going on. I've done a lot of thinking and a lot of talking with one of my friends, and I'm finally starting to see some of the things that I have known but not wanted to admit. It is nice to finally admit them to someone, and talk about some of the things. It's hard as hell to admit some of the things especially since they go against my code of rules for life, but there is an exception to every rule, right? But I've broken this rule in the past and it bit me in the ass, so I'm not ready for it to happen again. It all goes back to doing what I want. I want to break the rule, but I don't want the consequences. Damn life.
Also I've finally realized how uncool I am. I thought of myself as hip, well up until recently. I'm not. I'm anti-hip. Which is good I guess, but I associate anti-hip as being old. I don't want to get old. Well older. I'm fine being 27. I doing the typical freak out thing now. I'm officially late twenties. The other day my said, "You know when I was your age, I was married with kids." That freaked me out. She then went on to say, "Have you thought about settling down?" Well the truth is I have. I've thought about it quite a bit. That scares the crap out of me. I'm not ready to be grown up. It looks like I have no other choice.
Would I like to settle down and get married someday? Yes, I would. Am I ready yet? No. But I think that if I wait much longer to start looking for someone, I'll be stuck with the people that others have passed up. That sounded bad. Um, I'll be stuck looking at the people that others have passed up for a reason. Probably a bad reason. I don't want leftovers. So now I'm stuck with kind of looking, but I'm not ready, and I know I'll end up stringing someone along, which will be bad for me and the others involved. I thought when you got older things would be easier. I had no idea how hard things can be. It's not something I'm enjoying.
Do I have anything else left to vent about? Yup.
I really need to find another job. I can't be stuck here much longer. It's driving me so far into debt. I can't afford to a lot of the things I like since I'm stuck paying into a car I hate. I should just dump it. Or drive it into a river. This has got me thinking. So if anyone out there reads this and knows of a good job that a person who has worked in TV for the last seven years can do, let me know. Anything audio realted would be a plus, or even Master Control.
Now I'm done.
FIN
It's just pissing me off that if I'm not where I'm supposed to be a certain night, I get all sorts of phone calls. I know it sounds stupid, (who complains about being popular) but it is a pain in the ass. I just want to do what I want, and not what everyone else wants me to do. I really hate to bring out asshole me, but I think it may happen. I'm perfectly content to be by myself right now. So if you're counting on hanging out with me this week, don't plan on it. If I happen to appear where you are, count it as coincidence.
On to more positive things now. I figured out some of the crazy that has been going on. I've done a lot of thinking and a lot of talking with one of my friends, and I'm finally starting to see some of the things that I have known but not wanted to admit. It is nice to finally admit them to someone, and talk about some of the things. It's hard as hell to admit some of the things especially since they go against my code of rules for life, but there is an exception to every rule, right? But I've broken this rule in the past and it bit me in the ass, so I'm not ready for it to happen again. It all goes back to doing what I want. I want to break the rule, but I don't want the consequences. Damn life.
Also I've finally realized how uncool I am. I thought of myself as hip, well up until recently. I'm not. I'm anti-hip. Which is good I guess, but I associate anti-hip as being old. I don't want to get old. Well older. I'm fine being 27. I doing the typical freak out thing now. I'm officially late twenties. The other day my said, "You know when I was your age, I was married with kids." That freaked me out. She then went on to say, "Have you thought about settling down?" Well the truth is I have. I've thought about it quite a bit. That scares the crap out of me. I'm not ready to be grown up. It looks like I have no other choice.
Would I like to settle down and get married someday? Yes, I would. Am I ready yet? No. But I think that if I wait much longer to start looking for someone, I'll be stuck with the people that others have passed up. That sounded bad. Um, I'll be stuck looking at the people that others have passed up for a reason. Probably a bad reason. I don't want leftovers. So now I'm stuck with kind of looking, but I'm not ready, and I know I'll end up stringing someone along, which will be bad for me and the others involved. I thought when you got older things would be easier. I had no idea how hard things can be. It's not something I'm enjoying.
Do I have anything else left to vent about? Yup.
I really need to find another job. I can't be stuck here much longer. It's driving me so far into debt. I can't afford to a lot of the things I like since I'm stuck paying into a car I hate. I should just dump it. Or drive it into a river. This has got me thinking. So if anyone out there reads this and knows of a good job that a person who has worked in TV for the last seven years can do, let me know. Anything audio realted would be a plus, or even Master Control.
Now I'm done.
FIN
1 comment:
It is sad when the calls stop. You'll miss it.
My mom got married when she was 22, I'm 24. I don't feel ready to be all grown up yet either :/
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